The Invisibility of Domestic Violence in Faith Communities
Last week, Charles Parsons murdered his wife during a couples’ counseling session at Calvary Lutheran Church south of Seattle. He turned himself in and has been charged with first-degree murder and assault.
Last week, Charles Parsons murdered his wife during a couples’ counseling session at Calvary Lutheran Church south of Seattle. He turned himself in and has been charged with first-degree murder and assault.
Carol Parsons had been divorced from Charles Parsons for a year. He wanted to “reconcile”; she did not. She was moving on with her life and her 3 children. But Carol suggested they go to couples’ counseling to help her ex-husband get “closure.” He came to the session armed.
Carol Parsons’ brother said that Parsons was not physically violent towards his sister, but that he was “possessive and overbearing,” and called her at all hours to check up on her.
If this is true that Parsons had not been previously physically violent, then this is one of the unusual situations where the first act of physical violence is homicide. But the controlling, possessive behavior appears to have been evident – at least to members of her family.
The Georgia Commission on Family Violence [www.gcfv.org] just released its 2009 Fatality Review Report. In it, they discuss the particulars of the faith involvement of victims and abusers. Of the nine homicides they reviewed, seven victims identified as Christians as did three abusers. But only one victim had shared any information about her abuse with her pastor. The rest remained active but invisible in their churches.
In this particular tragedy, we will never know if anything could have been done differently so that Carol Parsons would be alive today. This is no time for finger pointing but it is time to think critically about whether battered women can find help from their faith communities.
I still have faith leaders say to me, “but no one ever comes to me with this problem.” Conclusion: we don’t have domestic violence in our faith community. Further conclusion: I don’t need to be trained to deal with a problem we don’t have. If a battered woman asks me whether she should talk to her faith leader or not, I usually say “no” – if she has to ask, then I doubt that it is safe to go to that person. I doubt that the leader has been trained; if he/she has been trained, then he/she should have been talking and praying about the issue from the pulpit to let their people know that their leader is trained, aware, and available.
We have to find a way to break this cycle of invisibility within our faith communities. The lesson for the wider community here is that possessive, controlling behavior is what domestic violence is all about. For all of us to be able to see this as a danger sign and provide support and protection; to know that the period after separation and/or divorce is the most dangerous time for the victim. The lessons for a faith leader is you will not hear about domestic violence (or sexual assault) until you speak about it. And don’t speak about it if you are not prepared to hear about it.
Faith leaders need to understand the basics about domestic violence, how to access and work alongside the secular advocates in their communities, and when to avoid couples’ counseling at all costs. We also need to provide spiritual support and scriptural interpretation that supports a victim seeking safety. We can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
Until then, we will continue to read news stories about murders in the church parking lot or the rabbi’s office.
Rev. Dr. Marie M. Fortune
FaithTrust Institute
www.faithtrustinstitute.org
Love is not supposed to hurt